How the Left Stole Christmas
A Parody of Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas,"
New words by Kris Avalon
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Folks
Who lived just Left of Who-ville,
The Left hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that their heads weren't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their brains were two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
Their brains or his shoes,
They stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from their caves with a sour, grouchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
"All those holiday trees!" they snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is x-mas! It's practically here!"
Then George Soros growled, his fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start singing carols with Jesus's name
Imagine the scandal! Imagine the shame!
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with grace and finesse.
And say merry Christmas, in public no less!
And they'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Left thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing
The more the Left thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
It's unconstitutional! We must stop it now!
We MUST stop Christmas from coming!
Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Michael Newdow declared
With a cold twisted smile and cold twisted glare.
And he chuckled, and clucked, from his head to his heels
"I'll go to the ninth circuit court of appeals!"
"All I need are supporters..."
The man looked around.
But in Who-ville support was quite scarce to be found.
Did that stop Mr. Newdow...?
No! The man simply said,
"If they don't see it my way, I'll make them instead!"
So he called up his friends at the ACLU
To pursue every caroling, Christmasing Who.
They sued all the cities
Each park and each town
Wherever a Jesus or Mary was found
With funds from George Soros
They hired the best
Until even the Who's
Became filled with unrest.
Caving in to the pressure, they fell to their knees
And their shops started marketing holiday trees
In Who-ville the grandeur had turned to unease
The Salvation Army was asked to leave too
In case it offended some sensitive Who
And all the Who plays in all the Who schools
Sang carols acceptable with the new rules.
Like 'Merry Little Winter,' 'White Holiday' too.
But which holiday, no Who really knew
Then the leftists applauded, they thought they had won
Till one grouchy Who came and spoiled their fun
With a stick up his butt and a frown on his face
O'Reilly stepped forward, 'Oh, what a disgrace!'
"They're secular pinheads, yes, that's what they are!"
"Their little agenda has gone way too far!"
Then he put on a coat, and a hat and a beard
And hitched up a sleigh while the Leftists all jeered
He rode into town, shouting "Christmas for all!"
"You fascists can suck on my Christmas tree ball!"
And the Left became angry, so very irate
But some others in Who-ville said, "Wait, now just wait"
"Perhaps this O'Reilly has something to say"
"Perhaps we've let Christmas just whither away"
And some but not all of the shopkeepers then
Began shouting out "Merry Christmas" again
And children sang carols aloud in the snow
While Christmas trees stood in the midst all aglow
And as for George Soros
Well...in Who-ville they say
The vein in his forehead
Grew three sizes that day!